Letting go isn’t giving up, it’s accepting that some things aren’t meant to be.

All I want to do is go home.

This place is making me pull my hair out.

High school is stupid.

When can I leave?

I sit in my room and think about how things used to be. I used to be so happy. I didn’t have one care in the world. Nothing could ever break me down. That was two years ago. When everything was perfect. I felt like I was needed and I would never be forgotton. Until my world came crashing down. That winter break was the worst time in my life. I no longer felt wanted. I blacked out.. I was there but I felt no emotions. I lost the one thing that made me happy and I will never get it back.

You told me you didn’t want me. You told me you didn’t want anyone. You wanted to be free to do what you wanted. I had no choice but to let go. I cared about you and wanted what was best for you. Even if that meant my world would be crushed.

I look at you now. I see how happy you are. I see you with her. I watch you kiss her. I watch you smile at her, knowing there is more beyond what everyone else can see. I should be happy for you, right? But I’m not happy for you. I wish you guys were miserable. You remain happy, while I sit here wondering everyday why I can’t be happy like you. Don’t I deserve to be happy too? Don’t I deserve to have someone care for me, more than I will ever know? I have no feelings for you. I am not jealous of her. I’m jealous of what you have together. I want to feel what she feels everyday. I want to wake up in the morning knowing that I will receive a text from him. I want to be needed.

Is that too much to ask?

The Novel.

It starts on page one. As it introduces each character obtaining their own image and personality. This will either catch the reader or cause them to put the novel down. But once you are on page one-hundred you are most definitely hooked. No one can make you put the book down, because you have to know how to the novel will end. No two novel are alike. They may start the same, but the conflict and resolution are always different.

One of the hardest things to do is read a novel with someone at the same time.Everyone reads at their own pace, understands each line differently, and interprets every word in their own way. Whenever you don’t understand something and want to read it again, you can’t because the other person is ready to turn the page.

You are incapable of finishing the novel. You will never make peace in your mind. You will never know the ending. It is inevitable.

I don’t know what to say.

I feel miserable all the time.

No one knows what’s really going on through my mind.

I don’t know how to get back to where I was.

I struggle to fight, but nothing seems to work.

I am stuck.

I cannot turn back time.

I am alone.

I’m trying to figure out who i am. I wish i knew. I wish that one day it would just hit me. I would know who i am, what i want in life, an what i want to become. I always thought that one day i would just know.. it would hit me like a brick out of the sky. It would be so obvious of who i am, and i wouldn’t let anyone change that. But what i am starting to realize is i don’t know who i am, and i have no idea what i want out of life. This completely scares me. People around me are starting to figure out where they want to go to school and what major they want to take. It’s so easy for them because they all got what they wanted on the ACT.  What if my ACT scores limits me to my possibilities? I know i am smarter then what i got on that stupid test. I just wish it would show that. I’m afraid i’ll never figure it out. Everyone tells me that with time i will figure out what i want to do with my life. But i have seen first hand what it’s like to never figure it out. I never want to be the 22 year old, still unsure of the direction they want to take.

There are moments when i was so sure about what i wanted in life. I knew which direction i was heading in, and i loved that feelng. I haven’t had that feeling in a long time. I’m afraid it will never return.

Whenever i feel like my life is starting to get back into order, something happens to completely throw me off balance. I go from knowing what i want.. to having absolutely no idea. It scares me how someone can have that much power over my life. I wish he would figure out his own life before he starts messing up mine. He keeps me up at night. I think about him during the day. I just want to know what’s going on through his head. But i will never know. He’s indecisive and it drives me insane. I’m sick of you not being able to make up your mind. I’m sick of this false hope. But what i can’t understand is why i can’t just walk away. If this is how you treat me, why can’t i just see that it would be better to move on. You pick me up and hold me and tell me the things i want to hear.. and then you drop me, almost on purpose. Hoping that i will fall on something soft, so you won’t have to deal with the after effects. But everytime i fall, i land on concrete. Each time obtaining a scar that will never erase. I hide these scars from you. I never want you to know that you can cause me this much pain. But i can only wear so much clothes to hide those scars. Eventually they will become visible. And you will see what you are really doing to me.

I do the same thing every day. Wake up at 530. Get dressed. Straighten my hair. Put on my make up. Eat breakfast. Go to school. Waterpolo practice. Homework. Sleep. Then i start it all over again. This has been my life for the past couple of weeks now. I don’t even realize that i’m switching between activities because i am so used to it. I’m running completely on autopilot. Not realizing that my entire life is passing before my eyes. I’m just watching myself make mistakes and decisions that i don’t want to. Just to deal with things, and not have to return to the place i was at. I would rather make the worst decision possible, then take time to think about it, and choose the right now. I don’t want to deal with all the stress that is going on around me. Which.. totally scares me. I’m afraid something huge and important it going to happen. And instead of making the right choice for myself.. i’m just going to choose the choice that makes everyone happen. In my heart i want to do the choice that is right for me. But i don’t want to do something that will make everyone unhappy with me. I can’t deal with the constant pressure of making the wrong decision. So what if i make the wrong decision? Is it really that big of a deal. People make wrong decisions every day. We learn from those mistakes and move on. One mistake cannot completely destroy who i am.

I need fresh air. Room to breath. I want to be able to make my own decisions in life. I don’t need my mother or father making them for me. When it comes to the end of the day, only I know what’s best for me. I hate the fact that people try to control me. I understand that everyone needs a helping hand to get through the really tough times. And yes, every once in awhile i desperately need that helping hand. But when there are ten different hands trying to help me at once.. i just feel.. suphocated. I can’t breath. And im trying my hardest to get air. Any type of air. But i just can’t seem to escape the hands surrounding me. I push and shove and try to fight my way to the top. But it seems like no matter how hard i try my strength will never be good enough. I can only seem to capture a glimpse of the fresh air, when what i need is to sit in an open field, and just breath for hours straight.

But i know this will never happen. The constant pressues and obstacles of life will never allow this to happen. I will continue to struggle my way to the top. I will never give up the fight. I need this air and i will not let the hands consume me.

But for now i will remain how i am. Totally and completely suphocated.

Questions will constantly come up when you’re in a relationship. And i would like to tell you that they will be answered, but they won’t. You have to have faith that things will work out. Whenever i talk to people who don’t think that their relationship will work out.. it usually doesn’t. By saying that things won’t work out, it’s setting them up for failure from the beginning. If something bad happens you’ll just say, “well we weren’t gonna last anyway”. When you are willing to put in the effort (which i know you are), things will work themselves out. When you have faith that things will be okay, they will be. You can tell that he cares for you, just by the way he looks into your eyes. He is not constantly looking at your boobs or butt. He looks into your eyes to see and understand the real you. He wants to be there for you. He holds you cause he cares for you. He hangs out with you because he enjoys your company. You two work well together. It’s not a bad thing to plan out your future. It means you want it to work. You hope that you two have a strong enough bond to last for months and months. It is a scary situation. You don’t know if something will happen, and if your plans will be different. But if he’s important enough that you’re starting to plan a future with him, then he is right for you. Questions are a normal part of dating, but what you have to realize is that they aren’t going to end your relationship. There’s no way to get them to go away. They’re almost like a little test, but these test can be avioded by trusting him. That he won’t hurt you, and that he’ll be honest to you throughout your relationship with him.

You have to keep your communication open. That’s my one big of advice to you. You guys don’t always have to have heart to heart, but just talk every once inawhile. If you want things to work, you’re probably gonna have to let your guard down a little bit. I know that’s hard. But when things fully click between you two, it will be easy. I told my ex my entire life time story one night, and it brought up so much closer together. We understood eachother, and knew why we acted the way we did. It helped us to become close and care for eachother more then i could know. You and him will get to that point if you want too. He is good to you. He can be that guy that you trust and want to know about your life. I can tell you from what i know, that he will be there for you unless you are the one that pushes him away. He wants to be that guy for you. He wants to be the guy you are constantly thinking about when you’re not with him. He wants to be the person that makes you happy. And i think this is what you need. That kinda of affection only comes along so often. Don’t pass things up just because you are scared. I’m not saying you have to jump.

Wait until you have his hand, and jump together. It’s worth it. I promise.