I’m trying to figure out who i am. I wish i knew. I wish that one day it would just hit me. I would know who i am, what i want in life, an what i want to become. I always thought that one day i would just know.. it would hit me like a brick out of the sky. It would be so obvious of who i am, and i wouldn’t let anyone change that. But what i am starting to realize is i don’t know who i am, and i have no idea what i want out of life. This completely scares me. People around me are starting to figure out where they want to go to school and what major they want to take. It’s so easy for them because they all got what they wanted on the ACT.  What if my ACT scores limits me to my possibilities? I know i am smarter then what i got on that stupid test. I just wish it would show that. I’m afraid i’ll never figure it out. Everyone tells me that with time i will figure out what i want to do with my life. But i have seen first hand what it’s like to never figure it out. I never want to be the 22 year old, still unsure of the direction they want to take.

There are moments when i was so sure about what i wanted in life. I knew which direction i was heading in, and i loved that feelng. I haven’t had that feeling in a long time. I’m afraid it will never return.

Whenever i feel like my life is starting to get back into order, something happens to completely throw me off balance. I go from knowing what i want.. to having absolutely no idea. It scares me how someone can have that much power over my life. I wish he would figure out his own life before he starts messing up mine. He keeps me up at night. I think about him during the day. I just want to know what’s going on through his head. But i will never know. He’s indecisive and it drives me insane. I’m sick of you not being able to make up your mind. I’m sick of this false hope. But what i can’t understand is why i can’t just walk away. If this is how you treat me, why can’t i just see that it would be better to move on. You pick me up and hold me and tell me the things i want to hear.. and then you drop me, almost on purpose. Hoping that i will fall on something soft, so you won’t have to deal with the after effects. But everytime i fall, i land on concrete. Each time obtaining a scar that will never erase. I hide these scars from you. I never want you to know that you can cause me this much pain. But i can only wear so much clothes to hide those scars. Eventually they will become visible. And you will see what you are really doing to me.