People seem to be finding themselves. Like this is the year where everything clicks. Their friends start to fall into place, and the realize what they want. They won’t do anything because someone else told them to. They are going to live their lives for them. For me, I still feel lost. More then ever. In the past mouth or so, my whole life has turned upside. I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half, my sister’s 20 year old friend died, my cousins boyfriend died in a car crash, my grandpa got skin cancer on his face, and my other grandpa is slowly dying. I’m not looking for pitty. But it seems like everyone is starting to hit that point in their lives where everything is turning around, and they finally see the light. I feel as though my light is starting to dim. There is no turning point for me. I understand that God only gives people what they can handle. But i think he is overestimating me. I’m not that strong. I can’t deal with these constant let-downs and failures. Having this many problems in the past month or so is really taking a toll on me. One of my biggest downfalls is my smile. I know how to fake it more then anyone. If you know me, i always have a smile on my face. It’s hard to keep one off. But the hardest part, is when im crying on the inside and no one notices. I don’t want people to notice. I don’t want to bug people with my problems. Everyone has their own problems, so why should i dump mine on their shoulders too? That’s just not fair. But one can only hold in their emotions for so long. I bottle them up for so long, that i just explode. And cry in my room for three hours straight. I don’t know how else to deal with it. If i just avoid the situation.. maybe it’ll go away. And whenever i truely express my feelings, i usualy get in trouble. People get mad at me, and i feel like shit. So it’s just better if i keep them to myself. I just don’t know how much longer i can deal with these problems all by myself. I love to help people with their problems, and i may appear stable. It’s kind of funny how false that is. Sophomore year was my all time low. I constantly felt horrible and didn’t even want to wake up in the morning. Only certain things made me happy, and when they weren’t there i was just sad. I’m starting to regain some of those feelings. And that is not a place i ever want to be again. I feel as though i’m so much better then that. I have grown in the past year, and i’ve learned a lot about myself. But when i am constantly being brought down, it’s hard to stay up. I can’t get up all by myself. I need that hand. I want to be able to stand on my own, but right now i feel like it’s not possible. And i’m not talking about having a boyfriend. I just need someone there for me that will always be there to give me a helping hand. I know there are some people that are there, but it’s hard to see them. I thought i was going to have one of those really really good friends, who i could just go to the coffee shop with and talk. But he turned his back on me. He told me his friends always leave him, but now he is the one leaving me. Maybe people leave him cause he is always pushing them away. I just have a lot of thinking to do. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. But the smile will always be there.